


bear

by danielhowoll



Category: Phan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 10:48:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11530635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danielhowoll/pseuds/danielhowoll
Summary: tw: suicide, self harm, drugs





	bear

**Author's Note:**

> tw: suicide, self harm, drugs

preschool

"bear."

i looked around.

"bear," another whisper, same voice.

"billboard l-llama."

"bear."

i turn around to face the boy behind me, his arm shooting out as soon as i do so.

i chuckled a little, taking interest immediately.

he looked up at me with bright blue eyes.

"yes?" he asked.

"why do you keep saying bear?" i responded.

"it's a funny word."

"but why do you—"

"bear."

"why do you say it over and over again?" i tried to be polite, mommy always tells me to.

"momma says i don't have a filter, daddy says i'm a special boy." he responded. "bear."

"what does that mean?"

"i dunno."

>>>

"bear!" phil called from my front door.

"up here!" i got up from my bed, fixing my hair before phil had the chance to run through my door.

i heard a slight punch while phil ran up the stairs.

"phil?" i called again, holding out the 'i'.

he walked into my room with a guilty smile, and a bleeding knuckle.

"oh my god, philip."

"sorry, b-bear." he whispered.

i stood up, walking to my parents room. i knocked and waited for then 'ok' to open.

"what do you need, dan?" my mum called from her bed.

"phil accidentally punched the wall," i smiled a little.

"again?" my father asked, chuckling a little.

"yep, we're gonna go and get another poster. may i take the car?"

a pair of keys was launched at me, and soon, phil and i were on our way to walmart.

"maybe y-you should j-just take out the en-entire wall." phil said from the passenger seat.

"maybe you should stop punching the wall!" i yelled, and smiled a little.

phil's smile faded, and he turned his head to look out the window. he looked a little sad.

"hey, phil, i'm joking." i glanced over at him, "i know you can't help it."

phil's arm extended and his first hit the glovebox. "ow."

"you alright, mate?"

"bear— yeah."

we arrived at walmart, and phil shoved his hands in his pockets so he wouldn't hit anything.

"so, phil, what poster should we get today?"

"1970 dodge c-charger from fast and furious."

"phil, we already have like four of those!"

"let's make it five."  
—  
long story short, phil and i returned to my house with another car poster.

"alright, th-that should do it." phil pushed another piece of tape on the wall to hold the poster.

"you're my spirit animal." i mumbled quietly so he wouldn't hear me. "alright, let's go."

phil stood up and followed me to my bedroom. "do you have your h-history book?"

"yep, we going to sit on the floor or on the bed?"

"bear." he mumbled while pointing to the floor.

we lay on the ground, me on the left and him on the right pulling out a book and our pencils.

"i do-don't wanna do this," phil whispered. "let's drop o-out of high school and w-write fan fiction."

"we can't write fan fiction if we aren't a fan of anything."

we continued to do our homework, but phil had other plans. his left arm shot forward, causing him to fall towards me.

his back was towards me, until my elbows collapsed from me laughing.

we laughed at each other for about five minutes, phil turning to face me during our laugh fest.

we lay on the ground, panting and out of breath. "bear, can i h-have a hug?"

"of course." i stretched my arms out to my best friend, and he rolled into them. "how did school treat you today?"

"n-not well." he whispered, knowing i would get heated and punch someone.

"who was it?" i asked, trying to stay calm.

"pj and chris." phil continued to whisper.

pj and chris were friends of mine in preschool, but when i began to drift to phil, they drifted towards each other. they've been an ass to me ever since.

\--

phil has never really had an easy time saying my name. so, ever since preschool, my name has been bear.

phil and i are on the floor, him still laying in my hug. this is normally how the night ends.

neither phil or i have ever had a girlfriend, the only person i have come out to is myself. i'm gay, phil doesn't know. i'm gay for phil, phil will never know.

"can i st-stay the night?" phil asked, interrupting my thoughts. 

"sure, lion." i smiled lightly, but suddenly realized what i had just called my best friend. he chuckled a little.

"bear, yo-you haven't called me t-that since we were ten." he turned his head to smile up at me.

my voice had dropped to a whisper, he was correct. "s-sorry,"

phil looked confused, like he didn't remember the last time i had called him 'lion'.

"why are you b-biting your lip?" phil asked, interrupting my thoughts once again.

"phil, the last time i had called you lion," i was whispering again, "you stormed out on me, and we didn't talk for 3 hours. i guess it just— kind of— slipped off my—"

i felt finger be pressed to my lips, and my cheeks felt hot. i traced the finger to the hand, and the hand to the arm. the arm of philip lester.

i recollected my thoughts. it was going pretty well until my eyes shifted to see a pair of beautiful cyan eyes looking up at me.

"stop stuttering, th-that's my thing."

after seeing my flustered face, phil slowly dragged his finger down my lips, allowing my bottom lip to pop back into place. "your lip is b-bleeding, bear."

i cleared my throat as an attempt to bring myself back to reality. i slowly realized this is reality, and phil really did just run his finger down my lips. "lion, can we go to bed?" i whispered.

phil nodded his head, smiling a little at the old nickname that i had given him the day we had realized he couldn't say 'dan'. we climbed up into my bed, and phil cuddled into my chest.

i kissed his forehead, like i do every time we stay together. "i love you, phil."

"i love y-you too, bear." phil responded, after lightly kissing my cheek.

i couldn't help but feel pity for myself, knowing phil would never love me more than friends.

—

it sounded like someone had just been hit.

"stop stuttering, you filthy child! you're wasting space!" the yelling was coming from phil's parents room.

i ran out of phil's room, heading towards the yell. i wanted to stop it.

fortunately, martyn had beat me to it. martin had grabbed their step father by the neck, he was much shorter than martyn.

"don't you ever touch my little brother again, or it won't be such a friendly chat next time." martyn attempted to stay calm. gabe was drunk, martyn knew.

martyn grabbed his arm, pulling him out of the house.

soon after, my best friend walked back into his room.

"oh my god, lion." i pulled phil into a hug. "i will never—"

"stop calling me lion, d-d-d-bear!" phil yelled, after another attempt to say my actual name.

phil stormed out of the room, and i stood there heartbroken.

"bear!" phil yelled, slightly less pissed than he was a second ago.

"bear, wake up!" i opened my eyes to see my best friend shaking me awake.

"are you o-okay?" phil looked worried. "you w-were crying. did you have a-a bad dream?"

i thought about the dream. it seemed so real.

"yeah, lion. i'm okay now, though. thank you."

"okay, bear. go back to-to bed, i'll k-keep you safe." phil whispered, kissing my cheek again.

"i love you, thank you." i love him more than he knows.

"i l-love you too."

<<<

first grade

"bear! we get to c-craft today!" phil yelled. he was very loud when he wanted to be.

i tried to hide the tears that were running down my face. mummy yelled at me today for eating the last oreo cookie, it was supposed to be for my lunch.

i was hiding it pretty well, until my old friend, peej (i can't say his name, it's hard to), came to me and my lion.

"daniel, are you crying?" he laughed at me. chris did also.

i felt my lip pop out, daddy says when that happens, you're pouting.

i'm pouting.

"leave u-us alone, you s-stupid faces!" phil yelled from next to me.

peej and chris walked away, looking kind of offended, i think.

phil turned to me. "bear! why are you c-crying when you can craft?"

i told him the details of how this morning happened. he then opened his lunchbox, splitting his oreo cookie in half so i could have one too.

"phil, i'm still sad." i pouted some more while another tear fell.

phil picked up a tube of glitter and handed it to me. "bear! don't cry, craft!"

\--

"b-bear, do i have to g-go home?" phil avoided eye contact ever since i told him he would have to go home.

"yes, phil. you need to see your mum some days." i whispered. phil had tried to avoid his mum ever since gabe had first hit him.

"i don't want to."

"what about martyn?"

phil shook his head, nothing could get him to go home.

i sighed. "okay, well."

i stood up and walked to my parents room again, phil stayed on my bed.

i knocked on the door, "mum? you awake?"

"yes, come in."

i opened the door, covering my eyes while i did so. "is dad decent?"

my father snorted. "yes, daniel. she wouldn't have invited you in if i weren't."

i chuckled a little, walking over to mum. "mum, i have a question. it's—" i thought through what i was about to do, "it's about phil."

"go on." she was in her bathroom, applying her makeup as an attempt to make herself look more beautiful than she already was.

"phil doesn't want to go home." i whispered, looking at myself in the mirror. "and i, uh,"

"you want him to stay?" she turned and looked up at me.

i straightened my posture, knowing she would scold me about it, and i nodded.

"then he shall." she looked back at herself in the mirror. "ask him to move in."

i whispered a thank you, making my way out of the bathroom. i stopped at the door, "mum, you don't need makeup. you're already beautiful."

i made my way to my bedroom, finding phil still in my bed. he was laying down and he was crying.

"oh, lion." i pulled him out of the bed and into a hug.

"i d-don't wanna leave."

"then stay, move in. mum said you could." i whispered. "i'd love you to."

phil cried into my shirt. "you're j-joking."

i chuckled a little, calling for my mum.

"yes, daniel?" she asked while  
opening my door, she had wiped off all of her makeup.

"can lion move in?"

"yes, phil. you can move in." she smiled at the fragile boy that i held in my arms.

phil tightened his grip on me, mumbling a thank you into my shirt.

"is that all, dan?"

"nope, you look amazing today." i smiled.

she rolled her eyes, "thank you, daniel. may i go now?"

i nodded towards her. she pulled the door shut, leaving me with my best friend.

"do you wanna go home and grab some of your favorite clothes?" phil had a wardrobe of his own at my house. my parents had bought it when they realized he would be coming over a lot. they treated him like another son, buying him clothes, making him food, everything they did for me they did for him.

we had never thought of ourselves as brothers, and thank god we didn't. i would feel weird. he was my best friend that i just so happened to have fallen for.

"n-no. i'm okay." he whispered, "i like these clothes."

i smiled at him, "we should go to the mall today."

i had quite a lot of money saved up, and i wanted to make phil happy.

"let's go." phil smiled back, he's adorable. "ooh! do y-you wanna go to the b-bar too?"

phil and i are both eighteen, but neither of us had ever consumed alcohol. but hey, we're legal. why not?

"alright, phil." i chuckled.

—  
phil and i got into the car and drove to the mall, i had my mind set on getting phil one thing.

"hey, i'm gonna go buy something real quick." i turned to phil, "i'll text you when i'm done?"

phil looked a little scared to let me walk off without him. "it'll be fine, promise." i held my pinkie out to him, which he gladly wrapped his pinkie around.

i walked to junk barn, which was literally just a store full of stuff you really don't need.

i walked to the back of the store. the stuffed animals only got bigger and bigger the farther you went into the store.

right before my eyes was one big ass lion, about 9 feet tall.

i walked to the cashier. "i wanna buy the lion, can it be delivered to my house?"

she nodded, "it'll be £59.43."

i pulled out my debit card, swiping it with a grin on my face. phil will be so happy.

"alright, your address?"

i gave her my address, which she quickly typed into the computer.

"it will be delivered later today."

"thank you." i smiled, feeling my phone buzz in my back left pocket.

phil: bear, pj is here. please hurry.

i stared at the cashier, waiting not-so-patiently for my receipt. she finally handed it to me, and out i ran.

dan: where are you? i'm coming.

i turned the corner to see pj walking up to phil.

i loudly cleared my throat. "excuse me, i don't think so."

"just wanted to have a little fun, dan." pj smirked. phil turned around to face me, he looked like a giant weight had just been lifted off his shoulders. i smiled at him.

"well, pj, you won't. back off." i gave him a little shove, and walked to phil.

"can w-we go?" he whispered.

"yeah, i'm ready."

\--

phil's pov

bear and i left the mall, walking back to his car.

"so, bear, what'd you get me?" i asked, feeling my arm shoot out. i glared at it.

"i'm not going to tell you, phil." dan looked at me, smirking a little.

"oh, why not?" i nudged him with my shoulder.

"you'll see it soon enough!" dan smiled, "we still going to the bar?"

i thought about it for a second. what could go wrong? "yeah."

bear raced in front of me, opening the passenger side door.

"thank you, bear." i smiled, and for some reason, his cheeks turned a rose red.

i climbed into the car, bear shutting the door behind me. i turned to face him as he got into the driver side.

"bear?"

"yeah?"

"do i, uh, still stutter?" i looked him in the eyes, making sure he'd tell the truth.

bear froze, looking at me with his chocolate eyes.

"yes." he whispered.

"oh."

"yeah."

how do i still stutter? i'm almost nineteen. i heard dan start the car, and we backed out of the parking spot.

"is it as bad as it was?" i asked.

"well," dan stopped to think for a second, "no, not really. it's getting better."

"oh."

dan looked over at me, but also kept his attention towards the road.

he reached over and squeezed my hand, "it's getting better, phil."

when he squeezed my hand, i felt something go through my body. i don't know what it was, but it was something.

i nodded, and he smiled at me. before i knew it, we pulled into the bar parking lot.

"do you have your id on you?" bear asked.

"yeah, do you?"

"mhm."

we walked into the bar, immediately getting stopped.

"let me see your id." the security guard nudged bear.

i proceeded to take mine out as well, but he stopped me. "you're okay."

once bear and i had gotten passed the guy, we sat on the bar stools.

"why didn't he stop you?" bear asked me, curiously.

i rolled my eyes at him, "you seem to forget i'm almost a year older than you."

"oh, so you've—"

"yeah."

i thought back to the day dan and i had a fight.

<<<  
a week after phil's 18th birthday

"phil, we're going to be going off to uni soon..." bear reminded me, "and then we'll— you'll be getting married."

"why won't you be getting married?" i asked him.

"the person i love with all my heart only thinks of me as a friend, that's all they'll ever think of me." he avoided eye contact with me.

"well, who is it?"

"you don't know them." dan mumbled.

"how do you know?"

"i just know, phil."

"when did you stop telling me everything?" i asked, "is it a guy?"

"what? no! why would i fall in love with a guy? i'm not gay, phil!" he defended himself.

today: the day i found out my best friend likes guys.

so, i got wasted.

—  
"bear, i don't think i'm going to drink much today," i turned to him, "i still gotta protect you."

bear turned and smiled at me, "alright, lion. thank you. i still can't believe you drank without me."

i sighed, "dan-"

i thought about what just came out of my mouth, stopping myself.

bear's smile faded rather quickly, "uh, yeah. that's my name, phil."

"did i just-"

"yeah, phil you said my name." he turned to the bartender. "let me get wasted."

a couple shots later, bear was taking them like it was no problem. he was happy again.

he put his hand on my shoulder, "lion, lemme jus say," he started to sway a little bit, so i put my arm around him for support, "remember when i told you that the person i loved wouldn't marry me?"

"yeah? why?"

"'cause phil, i'm so in love with you," he moved his hand to take another shot, "it hurts like—" dan dropped the shot glass back on the bar, pointing his finger at his heart, "right here."

i didn't believe him. "bear, you're drunk."

"hey," bear pointed at me to defend himself, "hey! a wasted mans thoughts are a sober mans words!"

"no, bear—"

"hey! it's dan!" dan turned to look who yelled, it was pj.

pj threw a sloppy fist into dan's face, causing dan to fly into the bar, and hitting his head. "what the fuck man?!"

pj hit him again, causing dan to pass out.

"shit," i muttered. i got up, grabbing pj by the shirt. "go home," i whispered into his ear, "or i swear to god—" pj giggled.

"okay, okay, phil! i'll go home." he raised his arms to surrender.

i turned around to dan, the bartender already calling 999.

\--

may be slightly triggering

phil's pov

chris came to see the commotion.

"shit," chris ran over to bear and i.

"you drunk?" i asked him.

"no, where's pj?"

"he did this." i motioned to dan, my other arm shooting in the same direction, "i can't drive."

chris sighed, "alright, let's go. my car is in the parking lot."

we eventually made it to the car, me accidentally punching the dashboard a few times. chris didn't mind.

—  
we pulled into the hospital emergency room parking lot, the doctors immediately running out to us to help.

eventually, after a lot of work on dan, i was invited to his room. he looked dead.

i felt a tear slip from my eye, causing it to twitch more than it had.

"he's going to be okay," a voice said behind me. i turned around. "i'm dr. pentland," she reached her hand out to me. "you can call me louise."

i shook hands with her, "phil."

"are you dan's boy—"

"no, i'm his best friend."

she chuckled a little, and smiled kindly at me. she then moved to the other side of bear and typed a few things into the computer.

"he should be awake by tomorrow, the only thing holding him back is the alcohol." louise explained, moving closer to dan and pointing to where he hit his head, "we put eleven staples in his head, it should heal within the next month."

i nodded, "thank you, you just made me feel a whole lot better."

she flashed me a toothy grin, showing the gap between her teeth. "i was watching you in here earlier, and i told everyone else to not bother you. you can stay over night if you'd like."

"thank you."

louise smiled, turning to leave the room.

—  
"cause, phil, i'm so in love with you."

he isn't. he was just drunk.

just drunk. doesn't he flirt a lot though?

i don't think he does.

you're arguing with your self conscious, so yes, bear does flirt a lot.

doesn't mean he loves me.

he's in love with you.

it's the day after dan hit his head on the bar, and he's not awake yet. but hey, it's only 7:30 in the morning.

"shit, my head hurts."

i looked at dan, but he was still fast asleep.

"you have to apologize, you flop."

chris? i turned to look at the door, glaring at the boy in front of me.

"pj, what do you want?"

—  
dan's pov

my head is spinning, like i'm on some stupid swirly elliptical.

wait, ellipticals only go forward.

i felt a sharp pain in the side of my head, and voices in the room i was in. i couldn't make out the words.

i tried to open my eyes a little. a hospital?

"what d-do you want?" a familiar voice said, it sounded like i was in a bubble.

"i want to say i'm sorry." pj (i think) whispered.

"oh, y-you want to say you're s-sorry? for what?" phil?

"honestly, i don't remember."

i finally opened my eyes to reveal phil, chris, and pj having an argument.

well, chris was just kind of sitting there. he looked over at me and smiled.

"you don't r-remember. alright, you p-pushed my best friend—" phil paused, thinking about what to say. "no, no. n-not my b-best friend, shit. how blind could i—"

phil turned to look at me, i shut my eyes quickly so he wouldn't know i was awake. i guess chris noticed.

"phil, what are you saying?" he asked.

phil turned back to look at pj, "you pushed the g-guy that i am so h-helplessly in love with t-that i was t-too blind to n-notice into a bar, you don't r-remember?"

chris looked at me and smirked. i was smiling uncontrollably.

i faked a grown and turned over.

"shit."

"i think he's awake, phil," chris whispered. "do you want us to leave?"

"you c-can if you'd like to," phil responded.

"we will. call me when you guys need a ride home."

i heard chris and pj's feet paddle out of the room, and phil's growing towards me. he kneeled down to my level, lightly grabbing my hand.

i opened my eyes to see lion's ocean blue eyes, he smiled.

"hi," i whispered, weaving my fingers between his.

"hey. h-how are you feeling?" he whispered back.

now that i think about it, my head really fucking hurts. what happened last night?

"my head hurts," i responded, "what happened last night?"

phil's eyes widened, did i say something while i was wasted? "pj was drunk, he p-pushed you into the bar. bam, eleven s-staples."

"oh."

"yeah."

i sighed, "can we go home?"

phil smiled, leaning forward to press a kiss to my forehead. "i'll go g-get the doctor."

phil began to walk away.

"phil," i stopped him, he turned around. "how long have you been here?"

he sighed, "i haven't left."

"you haven't gone home?" if he hadn't gone home, he hadn't seen the lion.

he shifted his gaze to the ground. "i, uh, i thought i l-lost you."

phil turned to leave again. i was left in my hotel room all by myself. did i deserve to survive? maybe i could just end it, would phil care?

"what're you t-thinking about?" phil walked back in, the doctor close behind.

"the usual, just contemplating life."

"bear, really?" phil sighed, "again?"

my heart still flutters at the nickname. he's capable of saying dan, yet he chooses not to. i smiled, nodding a little.

phil walked over to the side of my bed again, the doctor working away on the computer.

"do you remember the first words you said to me?" i asked him as he kneeled down to the height of the bed.

"you gave me a w-weird look because i kept s-saying bear," phil chuckled.

"you got sassy with me when i turned around," i smiled at him, "you know, you didn't stutter in preschool."

"i know," lion laughed, i smiled.

"alright, dan is ready to leave."

"thanks, louise." phil responded.

"phil, may i speak to dan for a moment?" the doctor, louise i guess, asked.

phil nodded, leaving the room.

louise turned to me. "he's in love with you."

"he isn't, he just wanted to make pj feel bad." i responded.

"do you not see the way he looks at you? are you too busy giving him heart eyes to notice he's doing the same?"

"he's straight."

"maybe he was," louise chuckled, "but then he met you."

\--

phil came back into the room. "i called chris, h-he's on his way back and then we'll go home."

i turned over to see phil sitting down on the side of the bed. smiling, i sat up.

louise smirked at me, mouthing the words, "do it," over and over again.

i looked into lions light blue eyes, and then at his lips. they were a pretty pink color.

he smiled, noticing my gaze.

i could no longer help myself, i leaned forward and connected our lips.

phil returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around my neck. i took the chance to try to pull him closer. unfortunately, we are sitting, and he didn't move at all.

so, i tickled him. he squirmed under my touch, squealing and laughing. i pulled away from the long kiss and proceeded to press kisses all over his face while he wiggled. "i've been waiting so long to do this," i whispered.

"finally." chris appeared in the doorway. he looked like he had been there for a while, getting comfortable against the door.

lion moved away from me, smiling while his cheeks turned red.

"am i interrupting something?" chris smiled.

i shook my head smiling back. "can you take us home?"

chris nodded, motioning us to join him. i had already gotten dressed and released from the hospital by the time chris had shown up, so leaving was quick.

if phil hadn't been home, he hasn't seen the lion. "what're you t-thinking about?" phil asked, locking his hand in mine.

"oh, nothing." i smirked.

we finally arrived at my house. i opened the front door, pulling phil inside.

we made our way up the stairs, and to my closed bedroom door.

"close your eyes, sweetheart." i whispered, kissing his cheek.

"w-why?" he stuttered.

"just because, it's a surprise!"

he closed his eyes, and i opened the door slightly. i made sure he kept his eyes closed.

—  
"and then, after i showed him the lion, we went to bed. he was gone the next morning..."

"you're sure this is all true?"

"yes, absolutely. it's been three weeks, officer. please find him."

"his name is phil lester, nineteen years old, missing three weeks ago in the middle of the night?" the officer repeated everything he had written on his notepad, "why didn't you call when all of this—"

"he also has tourettes— severe... he stutters when he's nervous, and he's scared of— of most things." i tried to think of all the qualities of my best friend that i loved from the beginning. i blinked back the tears i had covering my eyes. "i just— i thought he would be home by now, maybe he was mad at me or— i don't know, i didn't think it was this bad but he's not home and i miss him..." i felt myself ramble further about my precious boyfriend, wherever he was, i would find him...

 

 

 

 

8 months later

i've been looking for you everyday, the police even telling me you were gone for good.

telling me you're an adult now, and adults don't just settle in the place they've been for their entire life...

that's twenty years for you, my lion.

it's now february. happy birthday, love. i don't know how much longer i can hold on to the thought of you coming home...

but i must cut this short, as i am, once again, going outside to find you.

i miss you so much, and god, i'm traveling far...

martyn's funeral is tomorrow, his life slowly slipped away with every minute of looking for you...

phil, it was suicide. they called a closed casket, even after your precious mum begged to see him once more, the wound was just too much.

i promise i will try to be stronger than him...

i will try...

i will find you, my love.

-bear

 

 

 

two years later

phil, they're pronouncing you as dead.

you're no where to be found.

i've been looking for two years, please prove them wrong.

please.

a funeral is today, a closed casket is going into the ground.

you're not in there, and i will continue to look until you are found.

so again, i will cut this note short.

i pray to the god that i don't even believe in that your raven hair will be in my view at least one more time.

just once, love.

once.

-bear

—  
i stand up from the lonely bench where i write once a day.

i collide with a man, about six foot.

"sorry, mate." he whispers quietly.

i must be paranoid, he sounded like my best friend. i chuckle a little, feeling a tear fall.

i stretch my neck, catching the scent of vanilla.

it can't be.

six foot.  
that voice...  
vanilla.

i stopped walking, looking at the back of the head of the six foot vanilla scent man.

raven haired.  
slight loss of hair in the back.

"lion?"

he continued walking forward.

"phil?"

the boy stopped, turning to reveal his face.

ocean blue eyes.  
pale skin.  
pink lips.

phil.

"how do you know my name?" phil responded.

"w-what do you mean? i-it's me, bear!"

phil squinted his eyes, shaking his head lightly.

"it's dan..." i whispered. "what happened?"

"the doctors told me i was abused as a child, and i woke up in the hospital after apparently disappeared from my 'boyfriend's' house and got into an accident. they said i have amnesia, i know for a fact that i don't." he chuckled, "i mean, who would actually date someone like me? so i left the hospital. not sure where i went, i don't remember why i have this ring on my finger, though—"

more tears.

"oh, uh. not sure why i just told you all of this, ha. i guess you just seem like someone who is trusted. sorry!" phil turned away, as if he were going to continue walking. but he stopped, "are you crying?"

i nodded, phil began to walk towards me. he wrapped me in a hug. "phil, i've been looking everywhere for you..." i whispered.

phil released me, "what are you talking about?"

i took a deep breath, "i remember your boyfriend, he's lost without you. he loves you very much, he's been looking for you ever since you wandered off on june 12th, the day after his birthday. he thought you were just out planning something, but days turned to weeks, weeks to months, years." i wiped my face, "the police stopped looking, but he never did. your mum got addicted to drugs after martyn died and you never returned. everyone stopped looking. everyone except for him. you gave him a promise ring, phil." i reached into my pocket. "everywhere he goes, he has it with him. you promised him everything two years ago, he only wanted to return the favor." i pulled the ring out and slipped it back onto my finger while phil watched. "he hasn't left home without it..."

"martyn—" phil put his hand over his mouth. "he's dead?"

i nodded. "suicide."

"why do you have my boyfriend's ring?" phil raised his voice a little, causing me to chuckle at him.

"your boyfriends name is dan howell." i stepped forward, reaching my hand out to introduce myself. phil took my hand, shaking it. "hello, my name is dan."

i titled my head back to the ground. phil would never remember.

with that, everything flashed.

"...bear?" i raised my head again to find phil staring right at me.

he leaped forward and attacked me with kisses.

"you remember?"

"i couldn't forget."

—  
everyday, i introduce myself as dan.

and everyday, he breaks down in our bed, while i tell him about his brothers suicide that he can't seem to remember every morning when he wakes up.

every morning, i remind him of his drug addicted mother.

\--

phil  
"your mum is addicted to drugs," he tells me, "your brother, martyn, committed suicide."

but, one thing i hope to never have to explain to my sweet boyfriend:

i know.

i know my mum is addicted.

i know my brother committed suicide while i was away, trying to pull my life together after promising to my boyfriend i'd be with him forever.

i never forgot.

i lied.

but i was sad. i was in the corner, watching him kiss her.

louise.

but the more the "kiss" replayed in my head, the more i realized it wasn't a kiss.

not on the lips, at least. he kissed her cheek as a thank you.

only a thank you.

i ran.

i ran away from my problems. i ran away from my boyfriend.

how could i?

what if he finds out?

should i tell him?

"phil?" he smiled at me. i tried to think of a valid answer. now isn't the time to tell him.

"how do you know my name?" i asked, feeling my heart shatter while his smile faded. i'm doing this to him.

"uh, i'm your boyfriend," bear responded.

"oh, for how long?" almost three years.

"two years and ten months." he quickly shifted his eyes away from mine while they began to well with tears.

i can't take it.

"bear," i softly grabbed his hand, while his eyes widened and his smile showed. "i'm sorry."

"w-what are you—" i cut him off with my own tears, as my brain scrambled to find the correct words to tell him everything i lied about. i don't know where to start. "phil?"

"i-uh." bears smile faded once again, leaving the remainder of my heart to fall. "i lied."

dan seems to know exactly what i meant. he rapidly shook his head, backing away from me. he pulled his hand out of my grip. "get out."

"bear—" i tried to reach for him.

"no, leave! get out!" he swatted my hand away as he cried.

when i said my heart couldn't break anymore,

i lied.

i lied again, and again.

it seems as though the lying became incessant.

i backed away slowly, feeling my eyes drip with salty tears. "i'm sorry."

i turned to leave the room, taking one last glance at my boyfriend.

he stood facing the wall, his right arm above his head and his left wiping his eyes. 

i left the room, closing the door behind me.

soon, i heard dan push off the wall and slamming his bathroom door shut.

he shuffled through me medicine cabinet before he locked the door and slid down to the floor.

\--

dan  
only one cut, right? what harm could it do?

i dig through the medicine cabinet, finding the familiar blade that i took off of a pencil sharpener.

just one.

"bear! where have y-you been?! i've been looking everywhere for you!"

i want more.

"phil, i was only in the café."

two.

"oh my goodness, i-i thought i lost you!"

i shake my head violently, digging into my skin for the third time.

"sweetheart, never."

four.

"i will n-never leave you either" he smiled, "i love you, bear!"

he left. five.

"i know—"

i believed him. six.

"dear future bear, if i ever leave you, you p-probably did something really stupid and i o-overreacted! i'll be home soon! xx," phil joked, and i laughed.

i stopped. i stared down at the blade deep in my skin, my lips parted as my blood slowly dropped out of my arms.

"you are lovely, phil," i responded, "please remember that."

snap out of it, you twat!

i blinked.

bear, get up!

i blinked again, and i slowly found myself back in reality.

i glanced at my right arm. my left hand was hovering over it with a pencil sharpener blade present.

fight it.

i felt my heart quicken, and my ears connected with my brain.

"bear, please! stand up!" i heard phil yell from the opposite side of the door.

tears flowed down my face.

"p-phil..." i whispered.

"stand up, baby. unlock the door."

i looked up at the door knob, nodding slowly.

i dropped the blade on the floor, raising my arm to unlock the door slowly.

the door clicked, and i heard phil whispering.

"there you go, baby." i could his relief. "just scoot away from the door, be careful."

i slowly scooted away from the door to bath.

"i'm going to open the door now."

the door opened slowly, phil stepping in.

he examined the floor, his eyes caught the blade.

he ran to me quickly, engulfing me in a hug.

"are you hurt?"

i cried.

"bear, it's okay."

i wrapped my arms around him, and he pulled me into his lap.

"i'm so sorry," he whispered into my hair.

i forgive him.

\--

2022  
—  
"remember all those years ago, when we played in the fake game show that chris made?" phil asked me.

"yes, sweetheart. i do."

"makes me wonder who would be our best man."

i chuckled, "what do you mean?"

"our fans went crazy."

"they went even more crazy when we made that video."

phil smirked at me while moving his hand around in his pocket, "don't you think it's weird how chris guessed our wedding year?"

"what do you— we aren't even engaged." i turned to look at him.

phil returned my gaze, smirking more and more with each second.

i chuckled, "phil, i'm so confused."

my lion exaggerated a sigh, and he stood up from our grey couch. kitten slid off his lap, barking loudly. granted, kitten is huge and phil always hated it when he was on the couch. i laughed again. "what are you doing, phil?"

phil whistled, and our corgi, winnie, ran in. "good girl, winnie."

he picked up the small pup, placing her on my lap.

i noticed a folded up piece of paper under her pink collar. i took it and glanced at phil.

"unfold it, hurry."

i rolled my eyes, unfolding it as quickly as i could.

the tiny paper under winnie's collar turned into a giant poster board.

a giant blank poster board.

"i don't understand what is going on."

"then put the poster board down."

i did as i was told, folding it back as i did so.

"now wha— oh my god."

phil was kneeling on the floor, a velvet box in his hand.

"bear, will you marry me?"

i nodded my head as tears fell from my eyes.

\--

"d-daddy!" millie pranced into my office with her arms flailing.

"hey, cutie! how was school?" i stood up from my butt chair, accepting her hug.

"it was f-fun, but people were la-laughing at me," she responded shyly.

"oh, sweetheart, don't let them! your stutter will be completely gone one day!" truth is, her stutter continued to get worse.

"it is?" her eyes got wide with excitement.

"yes, just ask papa." i smiled at the six year old in front of me.

as if on cue, phil walked in with his sticker-covered laptop. "ask papa what?"

natalie turned to him, "will m-my s-stutter be gone o-one day?"

"well, mil, we can't be completely sure, but it will get better."

she nodded, her eye twitching a little.

"millie, do you want to make a video with me?"

—  
kitten strolled through the house slowly. he was quite lonely these days, winnie was his best friend.

"kitten, here boy!" i attempted to get him excited, but he wasn't ready.

winnie had passed away a week ago, he was ten years old. me and phil have been married for seven years. we adopted millie five years ago, she was quite sad when winnie died.

kitten whimpered softly, pulling me out of my thoughts as he lay on the floor.

kitten is depressed.

i never thought dogs could develop depression, unfortunately, i'm wrong. he was diagnosed when phil and i took him to the vet because he wouldn't get up after winnie died.

i got off the couch and moved towards him. "hey bud, it's okay." i patted his head lightly.

i lay in front of him on the cold hardwood floor.

"listen, kitten." i whisper so millie can't hear me. "the doctors told me that you're depressed, and there's a chance that you won't live much longer." kitten sighed, he understood more than anyone could think a dog could. i felt my eyes tear up. "kitten, i want you try to pull through. you have to stand up and play, it's going to get better. you're barely seven. please try." he licked the tear off of my cheek. "but it's okay if you can't. i understand, just please know that you will always be my favorite meme." i smiled at kitten, and he rolled over. "good boy, kit—."

"daddy!" millie pounced down the stairs.

"millie, be careful!" kitten ran to meet her half way, causing me to chuckle.

millie slowed down and took each step. "are you finished with your homework, mil?"

"yes, p-papa helped me. i just w-wanted to tell y-you something!"

"go on," i opened my arms for her to sit with me.

"i made a-a friend!" she ran into my arms. "i drawing and she a-asked me w-why i kept saying f-flower!"

i smiled, thinking of the way i met phil. "and what did you say?"

"i told h-her i have tou-tourr-re-retts."

"what did she say?"

"she told m-me it looks like i-it hurts, b-but she wants t-to be my f-friend."

"mil, that's so sweet! what's her name?" i ask curiously.

"i can't s-say her name very w-well, daddy." she said slowly, "so i-i call her flower."

fin.


End file.
